11 years

the past couple of weeks have been quite emotional for me. after 11 years, i had to finally open a deep emotional wound and look at it in all it's glory. 11 years ago i had a surgery that paralyzed half my face, then another surgery to attempt to repair the nerve. if you know anything about nerve damage, it ain't good. so after 11 years, i started having pain. it got so bad that i finally went to the ent to find out that it was tmj. i felt a great deal of relief, emotionally. i had a crying spell from all the anxiety i had built up. not a little wimpy cry but a wailing cry. the dr was great and gave me so much info. no one has ever sat down with me in my adult life to tell me exactly what likely happened to my ear and the cysts behind my ear that were removed. it was like my mind finally stopped spinning.

then a few days later, a soft bump began to form on the back of my ear. right where my cysts were so long ago. i felt a peace. if my pain were a color, it would have been red. it was hot and sore. so i got in touch with the dr. he said for me to come that day bc it looked like an infected cyst. i thought, yea i know. so i went and he said, oh yea! i'm gonna numb that and lance it. boom! instant relief. he was great! it was pretty quick and easy. i was relatively unafraid. my dear friend, mrs. ann, had told me a week ago that i wasn't a little girl anymore and i could handle this, and i did. all by myself in that dr's office. all by myself. i was alone physically, but i know i was not spiritually and emotionally. the way this sickness has affected my family tugs at my heart. my mom was there when i woke up with a paralyzed face, my brother fell silent when told that i was having to have yet another cyst lanced, my daddy is the most loving and caring and tender-hearted man i know...he made me get out of the house and get out into the public when i was physically ready but scared emotionally. and chris, my love, stuck around 11 years ago, and today he has been the one to take care of me. the cleaning and bandaging. he prays that this is not going to become a normal part of our lives. he has hurt for me and prayed for me. he has let me rest on his chest while in pain. my sweet baby girl even watched as her daddy had to change her mama's bandage and reassured me saying, oh mama, it's ok, you're gonna be ok. i am immensely thankful for the people i have in my life.

11 years ago i remained silent. but after living life for these years, i learned to speak up. i have had to tell chris how i feel in a way that he would understand. i've had to open up to a dr about such a terrible time in my life. 11 year old wounds untended grow pretty ugly you know. what an emotional and spiritual journey! my friend at work has taught me and reminded me numerous times that all i have to do is speak His name and He can do anything your heart truly desires. i'm going to start teaching ruby that right now.

some technical things about the cyst behind my ear.

• 2 cysts were located in my salivary gland behind my right ear.
• they became infected at age 6, 9, 11, 14, 17, 20 (a surgery was required for each)
• at age 20 my facial nerve was cut bc the cysts were so deep
• two days after that surgery, i had a nerve repair surgery, and have tremendous results (from the drs have told me when they see me)
• the surgery lasted 8ish hrs and they flapped my entire ear over and had to chisel at the bones in my skull to do the repair. i remember waking up hurting so much with my entire head wrapped in white gauze.
• no more problems for 11 years
• 2015, age 32, small sebaceous cyst infected right under the skin, lanced, drained, wicked, and put on antibiotics. 
• current: on antibiotics and healing. a little sore physically and emotionally.

• this is a diagram of the facial nerve. mine was cut behind and under the ear

• this is the salivary gland behind the ear

i didn't have google and all the devices i have now 11 years ago, so this situation has sparked the researcher in me. i'm waiting on my medical records to come in from jackson. they had to find them in storage. i'm curious to see them.